The Story of “The Little Feebles Vaccine That Could”

by Dan Schultz, DC

This is the story of the Feebles Disease and the Little Feebles Vaccine.  It’s an unlikely story, but one you’re probably heard before -- if you had the ears to hear it.

Once upon a time there was a neverland ruled by a Big Bad Pharma Giant.  This heartless, insatiable Pharma Giant wanted nothing more than to own all the gold in the land, so the sent the Little Feebles Vaccine out to get it. Let’s see if the extraordinary cast of characters can help the Little Feebles Vaccine work its way through the neverland maze of obstacles to get to the pot of gold on the other side!

The Little Feebles Vaccine was sad, because he didn’t have a purpose in life.  The Feebles Disease was very rare, had been on the decline on it’s own for many years, and didn’t do much harm anyway.  The Feebles Disease wasn’t much of an arch-enemy, as it could even be good for you! 

But Big Pharma was a clever giant and worked up a scheme. And he knew that a steady decline of a Disease was the perfect time for Little Vaccines to rescue the Ignorant Townspeople and his best chance to snatch up the gleaming, sought-after pots of gold.  The Giant’s statisticians, psychologists and writers knew just what to say in their press releases and the Obliging Senationalizing Media was happy to print them, word for word: 
”Feebles Disease Running Rampant In Certain Areas Of Neverland; Epidemics May Follow.”
”People Suffered Horribly, Lose Time From Work Because Of Devastating Feebles Disease.”
“Purchased Government Officials Say Feebles Disease Could Mutate And Kill Over 2.8 Billion People.”
“Come get a Feebles Vaccine: It’s FREE, And It Could Save Your Life.”

The Ignorant Townspeople were scared.  Now the Little Feebles Vaccine could begin his big adventure, because people stop thinking when they’re scared.   

Soon, the Little Feebles Vaccine journeyed throughout neverland.  Surprisingly (for a little fellow), he hurt many of the Ignorant Townspeople.  The people were angry.  But the Pharma Giant and his minions went on repeating that the Little Feebles Vaccine could not possibly hurt anyone, because he was good.  They knew that if you keep repeating something, most people will start to repeat it, too.  Besides, the Ignorant Townspeople were too busy to investigate the cause of the suffering for themselves. It was easier just to blindly trust someone and to follow the rest of the Ignorant Townspeople.  Whew!  That feels better.

Still, many people were complaining about serious conditions that the Little Feebles Vaccine had caused on his adventure – and they were suing the Big Pharma Giant, who was losing many pots of gold.  Oh, no!  But because the Giant had lots of gold left, and gave some to some Purchased Government Officials who fixed it so that none of the Ignorant Townspeople could ever sue the Giant again. That’s a relief!

But too many of people throughout the land still weren’t accepting the Little Feebles Vaccine.  The Giant was angry.  Not nearly enough gold was being collected -- never enough.  What to do?   Then the Giant got to thinking some more.  What if the Purchased Government Officials forced the people to accept the Little Feebles Vaccine?  He thought that it was crazy enough that it just might work. And it did!

Now, the Big, Bad Pharma Giant could send out more Little Vaccines into the world, even against diseases that the Little Vaccines had caused!  It was marketing genius. 

So the Big, Bad Pharma Giant, the Little Feebles Vaccine and their impressive cast of supporters lived happily ever after…. That is, until the sequel comes out.  It’ll written by Truth and Justice. It’s sure to be a best seller because Truth, it has a certain ring to it and Justice, she always prevails -- coming out soon.